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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Questions Left Unanswered

     I know that all things happen for a reason and we are not supposed to question those things. BUT sometimes things happen that you just cannot wrap your mind around. Well, this is one of those things.....
     
     I had gone to my Bubba's house for the weekend and on Saturday morning my phone woke me with a text message so I answered it. After I was more alert, I got on Facebook as I normally do and read a post to my cousin from his younger brother. I must say that it was very disturbing and I was hoping with all I had that I had just read more into it than I had but, ya know when you get a gut feeling, I knew that what I had read was right. I also noticed that their mom had posted on my wall to call her when I got home. Well, immediately I call her and she confirmed my worst fear.  My cousin, at 30 years of age, had taken his own life.
     I still can't tell you how I feel. There are so many emotions, so many questions left to be answered, so much hurt, and pain, and most of all heartache. The thoughts just started flowing...
     What if I had called more? What if I had gone instead of calling? Did I not insist on him talking more? Those thoughts never go away. I know that I would not have been able to stop him. His own brother was in the house with him and he hung himself without his brother even knowing. 
     It is so hard, and it wouldn't have been any easier any other time, because I just found him in the late fall. We started talking and talked at least every other day either by text or call or chatting on Facebook.  Then one day, he stopped responding to me. I just assumed that he was busy with his new job. I should have never assumed.
     He hung himself on the night of Friday April 27 and left behind a handsome son who looks just like him. We never got to say goodbye. I can't ask him why. All I have are memories and saved conversations in my Facebook account. Life is so short and we just never know what is REALLY going on with anyone. On Tuesday May 1, 2012 we went and said the only 'goodbye' that we could, at his funeral. 
     I have know people who have know people who took their own life but this was my first experience of actually know someone. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him and wonder if I could have done something more. That is our human nature, or at least mine. I just want to 'fix' it. I couldn't fix it for him and I know that but it doesn't take the pain away. 
     I just know that one day I will see him again and we will never be apart again. I just missed out so much on my daddy's side of the family by not getting to be with them growing up....



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5 comments:

  1. That is so awful, sorry!! I've had friends and family who have done the same thing, it's really hard to comprehend. I'm a new follower from mom's mingle xo

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  2. Thank you for the sweet words. I am a new follower to mom's mingle as well.

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  3. New follower from a blog hop. Would love if you followed back at www.iheartpears.blogspot.com

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  4. This is so sad! I'm so sorry for your loss. :( I found you on the mom's mingle and am happy to be your newest follower! I would love for you to follow me back at http://www.two-in-diapers.blogspot.com. :)

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    1. Thank you so much. It has been something very difficult to deal with and I would love to follow you back. I will go there now...

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