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Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Moment You Know Without REALLY Knowing

     Keep in mind, the only contact I had had with him was to send him an inbox message on Facebook to let him know that I was not mad at him but that I had a lot to take in and that as soon as I was ready and comfortable with all of this new information I had, I would be happy to meet him. And he did not respond to that message, so I had no idea how he reacted or felt about what I had said.    
     Well, we got the kids loaded and headed to Paul's house (and this will be the last blog that you hear me refer to him by his given name. His new name given to him by me is Bubba).
We arrive at Paul's house and I sit in the van while Jessica and the kids go in. I was waiting on Jessica to come back out so that we could go eat. It was quite hot so I rolled my windows down and am playing with my cell phone and the thought occurs to me that if Jesse (our father) walks out there is no way that I can get them up fast enough and I was sure not ready to have anything to do with him. I was fiddling with my phone and I saw this man come out of the house and head towards my van. I really wasn't sure who it was but at the same time, I knew that it had to be my brother because I knew it was not my father.
     The minute I looked in this fellow's eyes, I felt an immediate bond that I had never felt before. I cannot even begin to tell you what his first words to me were. We talked general talk for a bit and then our conversation went to the time we met when he was eleven years old. Bless his heart, after 24 years, he still remembers what he had on that day. He told me that he had always wanted to meet his big sister even though we didn't know each other. He said his mom had gone to a yard sale and  bought him some new britches and they were girls britches and he just knew I would tease him. He was so tickled because he said that I didn't tease him at all. I told him that honestly I didn't remember him or our other brother, Jr. at all because I was so shocked at how much Jessica looked like me when I was her age. She was 6 at that time. Then he proceeded to tell me how he was so excited that I was there and then I was gone again and that he had been waiting 24 years for me to come back and that he was glad I was there and if it took another 24 years that he would wait but he sure didn't want to. I apologized to him for being so self centered. I was only 17 at that time and it had never occurred to me how it had affected them. I was just worried about sneaking behind my mom's back to find my dad and that was all I had thought about. I assured him that I was a grown woman and I would not let that happen again.
     He told me how he would like for me to meet 'dad' but I told him that I was just not ready for that and he understood. We talked for what seemed like only a few minutes but before we knew it, Jessica came out and it was 10:30 p.m. We had been talking for 2-1/2 hours and I was more comfortable talking to him than I had ever been talking to anybody before.
     Jessica and I finally left so we could try and go find something to eat. That was a chore. Everything was already closed. We did finally find Appleby's still open so we ordered our food but ended up talking more than eating and left with most of our food in a to-go box.
     We got back to our hotel room and I told her how sorry I was for deserting them like I did but that I just didn't realize how it had affected them. She didn't seem to remember as much about it as I could tell that Paul had. She told me that she didn't think she could have been as brave to sneak behind her mom's back to find someone like I did my mother.
     Before I went to bed I was friends with Paul on Facebook and I posted on his wall how proud I was of the man he had grown up to be and how I was looking forward to getting to know him better. I cried myself to sleep that night. There were just so many emotions and crying seemed to help.
     My whole life, I had wanted a big brother. I now have a little brother and I am just overwhelmed with emotions. June 12, 2011 will forever be embedded in my mind like the date of your child's birth. Just something you never forget.
     This is the beginning of a whole new world for me...

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