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Saturday, February 5, 2011

The First Desire

     One day when I was dusting, I picked up a picture of my little sister and I in a little wading pool in my Maw-Maw's backyard.  I can't tell you what moved me to remove the back off of that frame and see what was behind that picture. But nonetheless, I removed the back and there was this picture of me sitting in a man's lap, a man of whom I had never seen before.  I flipped it over to find it said "Anne and Jesse". I didn't know anything about my father other than his name was Jesse Lee Tidwell, so I assumed this man must be my father.
    
Well that was the beginning of my desire to find my father along with all of my friends going to formal dances and their dad's were leading them out and my mom's dad, my Paw-Paw, lead me out. Now don't get me wrong, I loved my Paw-Paw dearly. He is the one who taught me to ride a bike and taught me to drive but there was always something missing. I had always wondered what it would be like to be a daddy's girl.
     At the age of 17 and a senior in high school, I decided it was time to start my search of finding this man, my father. Of course, I was sneaking behind my mom's back to meet the man who helped to give me life. 
     It didn't take me long to find him and now I cannot remember how I did find him. I knew now that I had a stepmom and two brothers and a sister. They of course were only considered as half brothers and half sister at that point in my life. It didn't take me but once or twice (at that time in my life) to realize that my father and I were not going to get along. All I remember about our conversations were that he made a comment about me having really short hair and him blaming my Maw-Maw and Paw-Paw for interfering too much. At that point in my life, they were all I had. My mom, and her parents and her brother. I guess, due to the frustration I felt, I didn't really remember anything about the half brothers but looking at the half sister was like looking into a mirror of my past. I realized at this point that I had to look like my father as she looked just like me when I was her age, 6. 
     I went to their house one time (and took a friend with me because I didn't want to go alone) and that was the last time I wanted to go or planned to go. At that point in my life, I planned to never have anything else to do with him. That was 24, almost  years ago.
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