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Friday, July 6, 2012

Life is too short......

     Don't ever settle for second best or less than what you think you deserve. Life is too short to live unhappy. You do deserve the best, whatever the best may be for you. And yes, I am talking to you, and you, and you, and to myself......

     At 21, I found out that I was pregnant. I was not married. I was engaged, to I thought, a wonderful person. When I found out I was pregnant, that wonderful person became a nightmare. I had my wedding gown, which was my aunt's, and I had everything ready for the wedding. I told him I was pregnant and my options he gave me were 1) have an abortion and we get married or 2) keep the baby and I'm history. Needless to say 21 years later I have a handsome son of whom I am so very proud of. I learned after the break up that the person I thought was so great was on drugs. Thank God I didn't marry him. My baby came 3 months early and I nearly died from complications of toxemia. A very scary time. But nonetheless, we are both healthy and happy.
     At 23 I meet a man because an old school friend introduced us. I should have known better because she always got me into trouble when we were growing up but, stupid me, went out with the guy. Within a short time, I was pregnant. This time I was made to feel as if I didn't get married I would be a disgrace to the family. So, big mistake, I married. Don't get me wrong, I love my second son too, but should have never married "just because I was pregnant".
     I didn't realize who I was marrying. I barely even knew him. So if you are in this type of relationship, there is nothing wrong with not getting married. For goodness sakes, if you cannot imagine the rest of your life with them you don't need them to have a baby.  I am a christian and having sex outside of marriage is wrong and I am very well aware of that. I also know that marriage is a sanctity between two people who truly love one another and want to be together until death. I shorted myself on that type of marriage.
     After 5 years of marriage (1994-1999) and watching him put his racing hobbies in priority over this family, I made the decision to take the boys and leave. If I was going to be the one paying all the bills, then I sure was not going to pay his bills anymore. I moved back to my home city and enjoyed my children without the stress of his playing. This carried on for about 8 or 9 months but I felt guilty for my children not having their dad with them. I grew up without mine and I couldn't stand the thought of them having that feeling. So, I agreed to try again. He 'promised' no more racing and silly me, I believed him. 
     Things went along so so for about a year and a half and then one day, I was at the kitchen sink doing dishes and he pulls by with a racing chassis on a trailer....yep you guessed it. Here comes the racing again, without discussion, or anything. 
     So it has been 12 years back (2000-2012) in the same house with him and everyday I wonder why I am still here. PLEASE don't allow yourself to be in a marriage that makes you miserable and unhappy. Life is so much more than that.
     Sadly, now the son, who will be 18 in October, would rather be racing than concerned about this schooling and is failing school. It just breaks my heart that something like that, an addiction, has such control. An addiction can be drugs, alcohol, gambling, or anything else that takes hold on your life. 
     So, live your life as if today is your last day and make it count. You are not promised tomorrow. Don't live your last day being unhappy and miserable because tomorrow may never come. I just felt like someone might be going through a hard time and know that you are not alone.....
     
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